Being a parent means you’re never quite your own person again – but that self-sacrifice can pull off a miracle
- The Guardian
- Jun 4
- 2 min read
Parents must frequently say no to their own wants and needs to help their child flourish – and grow into a wonderful adult
I believe power trips and parenting should never mix, so I freaked out when the early childhood nurse told me that to my baby boy, I was a “goddess”. She meant he was dependent on me for everything, so I had to be everything to him, come what may. But the life divine didn’t come easily to me: my boy didn’t sleep much, so I didn’t either.
A decade on, I’ve seen the light. The nurse was right all along: parenting is a God gig. You don’t need to be a believer for something miraculous to happen when you become a parent: you go about becoming the god you don’t believe in, and your child’s personal guarantee that the world is a welcoming place.
To the extent that we can, anyway. None of us can completely ward off the darkness, including in ourselves. It takes courage for those closest to us to hold up a mirror to us that reveals our true selves. It’s one thing for peers to do that, but what kids offer parents is next-level, searing, self-awareness. I’ll be blunt: I used to think I was a patient, kind person. Then I had kids and realised, Oh. I’ve only been passing for one.
Now I’m a parent, I sense how high the God gig stakes are. Parents create the climate of family life. Any of us who grew up in unstable or abusive homes will know how good kids have to get at, so to speak, forecasting the weather. Such parents are “playing God” in the worst possible sense: they behave as if it’s their world and everyone else, especially any kids, must live in it.
It’s the exact reverse of what should happen: the child’s needs should come first. This doesn’t mean never saying no to them, but it does mean parents will frequently say no to their own wants and needs to help their child flourish. Good parenting is costly in all kinds of ways: financially, emotionally, physically.
I’m now on the lookout for the all the ways dads do their God-thing too
The Christian concept of “kenosis” – an ancient Greek word meaning self-emptying – can be a helpful guide here.
The gist: power – even divine power – isn’t for lording it over others but for serving other people. It’s a counterintuitive vision but one that makes sense of raising children. Being a parent means you’re never quite your own person again but that self-sacrifice can pull off a miracle: your child becomes a wonderful adult.
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